lillies

spring is coming. I saw cate last nite and nico the night before, heather that afternoon and will be seeing kris (!!!!) for brunch tomorrow. I miss her, have missed her- as I have all of them. This happens every year just before my birthday, all of my favorite and most cherished friends come out of hibernation. I suppose we all do. I start the running and the vegetarianism, and become -again- the person I wish I was all of the time. I begin to return calls and check the voicemail regularly (from everyone). jules does tennis and soccer, and playgrounds. lovely, lovely spring.

and then.

he calls.

five times.

i suppose that it isnt always so fabulous, the waking up and renewal of ties. I am terrified I will run into him on the islands where we met. and, I feel like I wont be able to go and enjoy myself this summer, as I will be searching for him on every sandy boardwalk, in every little bar. I am taking the latter half of the summer off. we rented an extra house because of it. he secured my tenancy with the promised company of my friends. and I want to take it all back. after the calls, I feel like I dont want to step foot on a ferry all summer.

It feels really really wrong to have a gathering of all of the people I love without him there. I think I half dreamed up the idea so that I could physically review my life and celebrate the summer sans "him." i really expected this to get easier and it has, to a certain and specific extent. But, that was during the silence. I suppose that should be expected. But, I cannot bring myself to listen to his voicemail, as I am afraid it will bring everything back- like when someone smells like him nearby or LaMontagne begins playing on the shuffle. I cant listen to the voicemail. Everyone I love will come to the house in fire isle. and I will be, as I did when we first split, imagining what it should be like with him by my side (instead).

god

damn

it.