bad ass

pretty much.

"i could never sleep with someone I trusted that much." thats what I said while trying to rationalize not sleeping with a very close friend. I was shocked- initially.

And now that I ve had a few hours to think about it, as is always the case, Ive been able to draw several different, more in-tune ideas. I think, also, i would not want to defile the perfection of our friendship with the possibility of bad chemistry anywhere else. I would not want to sacrifice the perfection of my ease with my friends with the awkwardness that sometimes accompanies nakedness.

or

i just cant sleep with someone who I trust; someone I know would be tender, and really mean it. or who would fuck me, and really mean it- with the kind of passion I could really believe is reinforced, or motivated, solely by some real, deep, fabulous love.

man, is that a scary idea. and also, the idea that things might not ever be the same is almost equally as scary.

i dont believe a word of what I just wrote. not one. theres some other reason to which I am not privy.......

..............................................


well, it grosses me out. but, why? thinking about it grosses me out. but. why?; in sorta the same way I am grossed out by having sex with a woman.

AHA!

the possibility of real, unadulterated intimacy. i am all kinds of fucked up. all kinds. i dont discriminate with fucked-up'ed-ness. all. kinds. This is the common thread between the two. I have always believed I could have a real intimacy with a woman, like I could never have with a man but the idea of sleeping with one is incredibly insane to me- as is the idea of sleeping with any of my cherished male friends. because I already have an intimacy with the guys, sleeping with them would take it oh-too-far.

whew. glad to have figured that one out.

i have decided that the way a person has and thinks about sex tells an awful lot about that person. at least, itll tell you an awful lot about me. now, i think, if i can figure out why i cant do that other thing, ill be on my way to someplace good.