how ridiculous

the writing. its all meaningless. and meaningful. and true. and false. so i make some of it up to indulge my ideas. (you know that game where you tell someone 4 true things and one lie?) a lot of it is true, but sometimes i cant help but add in the embellishments. i cant help it bc I know you love it, they fit right into your schemas. (who am i writing to anyway?) I guess i tried so hard to not be hated by you and ive realized that i cannot change the way you feel about me. i guess. boo, life!

[2nd movement of Beethoven's 7th]

i recognize that ive made myriad mistakes, many i dont even realize ive made. many very serious. im just really sorry that forgiveness is so rare a quality. im idealistic, i know. i get this from a very specific place, from a very specific experience. i wish i knew what it was like from the outside. i wish everyone wasnt so angry. or maybe i just wish everyone could be as repressed as i am. ha. ha. ha?

im trying, really. i really, really am. and i wrote earlier: 'whats to be said for trying your best?" my answer now, is nothing. nada, zilch. trying your best is fabulous for tests and exams and sports and....but for ppl, trying your best means dick. what matters is the stuff that matters. i get that [now]. but i still have to try really hard bc i am not there yet. i started from scratch. i get that. and im proud of the changes ive made, bc they are colossal. i get that they are [still] not enough, but the anger helps no one. at all.

i have a new friend who is amazingly calm. his emotional responses are so straight its almost unbelievable. things happen the way they should, no? they DO!!!! they do!! yay for calm friends.