birthdays and the island

they are taking me for dinner on wednesday. And again for drinks on saturday- boys included. and who do i want there.....ha ha. ha.

the invites go out next week. and who do i want there? who who who....i could slit my throat right now, right here and lay across this granite island, bleed all over the hardwoods and hope nobody finds me for days. but ive constructed a network of too many people to worry about me for that to happen. i fall off the radar for 5 sec and the search parties go out. (to the gay: you fault me for my choices but have no problem collecting throughout the month, do u, douche? do u know he was afraid of what would happen when we had to tell you, today? do u know that he hugged me, tight and hard, the other day bc of the way he knows you treat me when you say, " i have to talk to you?" do you know he watched us through the window? are you proud of your example? boooOOOOoooooo you! boo, boo, boo.)

i would do anything to be a bitch to you. I would do anything to be able to yell at you and tell you how i really feel, to your filthy, fucking face (theres a hint); and not yell for hours afterwards at my fabulous, loving friends--those, willing to listen and take what I cannot give to you. they are gifts from God: the ones that hear the wrath I should be spewing your way- breathless and exasperated, full of loathing and passion and tears pregnant with hatred. and then, as I lay down for sleep, i remember that you are only 5. I remember that things happen the way they should. the problem was my level of expectation. Isnt expectation the root of all disappointment and misunderstanding? it is easy to forget such simplicity and truth.

"if everything you think you know,
makes your life unbearable...."

what is it that you think, YOU know?