express

I thought I knew just before I got on the train. I almost walked up to the 6, which goes right to Bleeker, instead of bothering with the mindless detour on the 4. But i stayed.

and then i really knew, against the door.

so. I did what I always do to avoid the drama. Straightened up, put on some tunes, walked fast, upright. ordered vodka. straight up, twist. it dulls and dims, gives me my power back.

the procrastination is the problem. trust your instinct. you dont want this- why prolong the issue?; more crying, more talking, more rationalization. I cant do that and you shouldnt have to. I took a chance on this "process" once-- I waited around for someone to "sort out" their feelings. i was really very hopeful, bright-eyed--- delusional.

the fact is: if you have to think that hard about something like this, its not something you feel good about doing. and if you felt the way you say, or have even tried to believe you do, you wouldnt have to think that hard. you wouldnt have to convince yourself or sit around waiting for some determining factor to turn up. I
should be
the determining factor.

but

im not

so..... good luck with aaaaalll that.