the towel

im giving up on u all. I think ive completely lost faith in myself. ive lost my drive and my focus. I feel like my limbs have been severed and my brain has been reprogrammed, or shut off. i feel lost. spayed (u know, if a woman can be spayed)

o, and im vegetarian again. normally, this means i am in a good mood. soon, the running follows, and the heel- wearing. im wearing the heels and opting for veggies. but i cant seem to get my running sneakers on. and i definitely do not feel fucking good. i feel meek, needy.


stuck.

maybe it is bc i just left her. maybe because she began a conversation about wishing she had stayed with me and instead of grabbing her and holding her tight and saying, "me too, me too, ME FUCKING TOO" i smiled and said she was so small she couldnt possibly have known what she wished back then. Instead I told her she only thinks im more fun because she doesnt live with me. and when she tells me disgraceful things about not being her mommy anymore if i dont call enough, i have to smile, and keep the disappointment well-hidden, and look her in those endlessly deep and golden eyes and tell her that i will never stop being her mommy. (ever). There isnt a "judge Judy" on the planet that can take away the pigment in her skin, or the eyebrows i so obviously gave her. I know the intensity of her stare and the energy of her walk. I get that and that will never go away, even if I never called again.

i understand her even though i am not here. not all, and not like you, bt there are [undeniably] somethings i recognize - immediately - without highlight, because they are those unmistakable characteristics she shares with me (julian is ingrained with them as well). and i get it. and i ache that i cannot give her that more frequently.